[Gone]

There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Seems so long ago you walked away
And left me alone
I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

Was it something I said
To make you turn away
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way
To make it so that you were right here
Right now...

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I'm trying my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains
You're
Gone...

Now I don't wanna make excuses baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone
But if there's something that I could do
Won't you please let me know
The time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
And maybe I could change my everyday
But baby I don't want to

So I'll just hang around
And find some things to do
To take my mind off missing you
And I know in my heart
You can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do

What will I do
If I can't be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Baby who will I be
Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart
Baby why don't you see
That I need you here with me

But the truth remains
You're
Gone.

Nette,
Sometimes I feel that,
I can survive on just our memories,
And the hope of seeing you again.
Yet, sometimes,
I am just so tired of living without you.
Day after day after day alone.

Is this truly the end of our "forever"?
Or is there something left for us to build on,
Years later?
Is our love strong enough to survive?

Nette,
Not a single minute goes by,
Without me thinking of you.
I really wonder how you've been.
Hope you're happy.
Have you been eating well?
You have to take good care of yourself...

I remember,
When you were pissed off,
Bcos I refused to delete some msgs in my phone.
Later, I deleted them all away.
Bcos I realized,
I had you,
And I don't need memories of anyone else.

Nette,
I'm sure,
Our love is so much more than they can see.
I believe in you,
I still believe in us.

Nette,
I passed by your house just now.
I was riding past Geylang.
And I counted the Lorongs as they went by.
When I got to your Lorong,
I couldn't helped it.
I cried.
And I rode all the way home,
With tears in my eyes.

Nette,
I spent a long time staring at the present.
I'm so happy to receive something from you.
Yet,
At the same time,
I am freaking depressed.
Because of the words "To: Bin".
You know,
I can never get used to you calling me Bin.

Is there anything I can do,
To make you care just that lil bit more?
Is there any way I can hear you call me Dear again?

I kept thinking about the times we shared.
When you told me you love me.
And I asked, what is it that you want from me.
You replied, you want me to love you.
Why is it that you no longer want my love?
Did you ever have the slightest inkling,
When you told me on that fateful night,
That you will end up hurting me so?

My days are getting darker.
And they revolve around sleeping and crying.
I cry to sleep.
And when I wake up, I cry again.
Sometimes, the two seemed to be intertwined.
But I won't give in now.
Because the pain is not enough to rid me of my senses.
Yet.
I will wait till the day,
When I've had enough.
Then I will definitely succeed.

I don't think I'll call you then.
Because you don't care anymore.
I understand that I've to let you go.
But you won't even be there as a friend.
I am all alone now.
But it's good.
Because I won't have any regrets then.
You don't love me anymore.

The only regret I have now,
Is not killing myself sooner.

I miss you so much it hurts.
Because I love you so,
I have to let you go.

I woke up today with my eyes swollen.
Not surprising at all,
Because I was crying the whole night.
You can say that I am a wuss.
But I'm only crying because of you.

I was crying in my dreams,
Because the dream,
Was a mirror-image of reality.
Of how things between us are.
And how happy you are without me.

I am just so sad.
Because we can no longer talk,
Without quarrelling.
Not only have I lost my love,
I've also lost my best friend.

Nette,
There are so many things I want to say to you.
But you'll never give me a chance to say them.
And you don't want me to.
So I'll write here.
Because nobody ever reads this blog.

I wear your ring on my chain,
To keep you close to my heart.
Not on my finger,
So that nobody knows.
Because nobody understands anyway.

I love you.
I really do.
Everyday is a misery since you've left.

Can you tell me,
If my existence causes you lots of grief?
I am so sorry I didn't leave that day,
Cos things would have been so much better.

Do you know,
That I'm feeling a lot of pain?
When you spoke to me in that harsh manner,
I felt like dying.
It's already impossible,
Living without you.
But having to live on,
And knowing that I cause you so much grief,
Is stabbing at my heart.

Everyday, my heart is bleeding.
I don't know if I can make it through at all.
And why should I try?
When I lost you,
I lost all meaning of my life.
Why should I live on,
When I have nothing to live for?
Except pain, pain and more pain.

I am really tired.
Tired of crying.
Tired of all this pain.
Tired of living without you.
Tired of trying.

Decided to give myself a second shot at life.

I didn't think about dying today.
Too tired to plan anymore.
I slept the whole day away.

I was thinking it'll be nice,
If I called and ordered flowers to be sent to myself.
The day after I kill myself.
Hahaha.

So I fucking chickened out again.
I don't know what went wrong.
My palms were sweating and my legs were shaking when I climbed the ledge.
But I was very calm when I sat there.
I don't know why.
When I saw the two aunties pointing up at me, I bolted.

My life is seriously screwed.
Nowhere to go now.
I'm so tired.
Too tired to plan anymore.

Woke up today. Wanted to solve my problems.
Went to fix my bike.
They said it can't be fixed.
I'm right afterall.
There is NO solution.
There is no way I can't solve my problems.
I don't understand why I have to live with all these pain.

The things I love.
They cause me so much grief.
The person I love.
Is driving me to my grave.

I'll never give up.
But at least I know jumping is not an option.
It's too difficult because I would hesitate.
Thanks to you my stash of painkillers is gone.
But don't worry.
There's only one thing I'm determined to do.
Soon. Soon.

Woke up today with more pain than ever.
The minute I opened my eyes I felt pain.
Pain that burns through every single cell.

You have caused me so much pain.
Pain that I can't handle.
Now nothing will make it go away.

You've always been lying to me.
From the very first day we met.
You told me you'll never leave.
All your lies.
Telling me that you'll love me forever.
Hurting me like this.
Driving me to my grave.

[Adam's Song]

I never thought I'll die alone.
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall,
No wonder it was never plugged in at all.
I took my time, I hurried up.
The choice was mine I didn't think enough.
I'm too depressed to go on.
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.

I never conquered, rarely came.
Sixteen just held such better days.
Days when I still felt alive.
We couldn't wait to get outside,
The world was wide, too late to try.
The tour was over we'd survived,
I couldn't wait,
Till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone.

I never thought I'd die alone,
Another six months I'll be unknown.
Give all my things to all my friends,
You'll never set foot in my room again.
You'll close it off, board it up.
Remember the time I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall.
Please tell mom this is not her fault.

All thanks to the wonders of technology, the last of my days on earth would be documented online.

I hope I have the determination and guts to carry out my final transition.
I've lost all hope and incentive to carry on with life. The past twenty-one years have been very tiring. I've had had enough.

These past few days I have been busy to find the best way out.
Unfortunately, after much reading I discovered that suicide is not so easy afterall.
My perfect plan has too many loopholes.
It's not that perfect actually, I just prefer it to the other methods because it is painless.

The car-exhaust method.
Hopefully the carbon monoxide will kill me in 30 minutes.
But whose car can I use?
And how am I going to drive it to the preferred destination.
And I definitely need to ensure that I won't be disturbed for at least an hour.
Imagine if I were to get "rescued".
With permanent brain damage.

One attempt is all I can afford.
Now, I need to find another method.