Been a painful road to a door that's closed,
Been a gamble that I knew I couldn't win.
Been a lonely conversation to this photograph of you,
In the mirror that's a sign I must give in.

Tell me what I gotta do.
I can't get over her,
It's wearing me out,
And it's pissing her off.

She hates me.

My life is in pieces.

There's really nothing I can do.
I'm so trapped.
Just looking for a way to escape.

Why is it a crime to love you so much?
Please forgive me for everything I've done.

There's nothing I want more,
Than your love.

Happy 13th,
To the girl I will always love.

It's been 19 months,
And counting...

I'm bored,
So here's a list of things,
I hope will fall from the sky this December.

Christmas Wishlist
(Updated on 10th December)

Shoes
- "Iron" SB Dunks
- Premium "Curry" Dunks
- Orange/White Supreme Dunks

Fragrances
- Polo Blue
- Dunhill Desire
- Azzaro Chrome

Out of reach items
- Mont Blanc Meisterstuck Solitaire fountain pen
- Audemars Piguet Royal Oak watch
- IWC Mark XV watch (not Spitfire version)

- a pass for my Nanotechnology module
- Testosterone shots

- Nette

A few days ago,
My mum came into my room while I was asleep,
To put some money on my desk.
Nothing out of the ordinary.

Except that I had accidentally left,
A photo of me and Nette on the table.
She already knew that Nette was my girl,
But I didn't want her to also know,
That I still have to look at her picture,
Before I sleep every night.

Yeap.
That's what I do.
I miss you.

It has come to this again.

I just woke up from a nightmare.
Literally a nightmare.
I dreamt that She was right by my side.
I turned my head to say hi to a couple of friends;
Only to discover that She had slipped away,
While I was doing so.

I was damn damn upset in the dream.
And damn damn traumatized when I woke up.

I'll never stop loving Her.

I've been in depression for almost a year.
I no longer believe,
In seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Right now I'm in what I call the "stuck in limbo" stage.
Depressed enough to not care about everything,
But not enough to call it quits yet.

I've given up on everything around me,
Ever since I lost the one thing most important to me.
Her.

In the past I could always count on something,
To indicate my well-being,
In the aspect of mental health.
No matter how shitty I'm feeling,
Or if I'm planning to kill myself the next week,
I'll always make sure I pass my exams.
It's no longer the case now.
I don't really care if I pass or fail now.
Maybe it'll actually be good if I fail for the first time.
Then I might just get a rude shock,
And snap out of this.

I don't have any goals,
Or anything to look forward to in the future.
That makes life extremely sian.
Why do I have to put in so much effort,
To go through all this everyday?

Nowadays I'm just using material possessions,
To keep myself happy.
Albeit they only bring temporary joy.

I'm just another one of those,
Who have lost meaning in life.

I hope that at the end of the day,
This doesn't end up being nothing more,
Than just a lesson in futility.
Even though I've started on this quest,
Knowing that my efforts may well bring me no success.

It's strange how a little twist of fate can change me so much.
Just a little concession on your part,
And I've turned so impatient,
Repeating the biggest faux pas I've ever made.

I said I will expect nothing,
And I should be true to my word.
I never thought I'll see you again,
But I did and now I'm asking for more.
I'm sorry for even asking for another chance to see you.
Sorry.

Just a few more years.
And then maybe it will start to be a real task,
Trying to picture your face in my mind.

I expect too much from you.
I must go back to the time,
When I would be okay even if I never set eyes on you again.
Let me continue to love you from a distance.

You've always been a million miles away from me.
I was just wrong,
To believe that the distance had been halved,
When you showed up at my door.

No more pressure.
No more pressure from me.
No more pressure from me on you,
Nette.