I'm in love.

When we turn out the lights,
The two of us alone together;
Something's just not right.
But girl,
You know that I would never ever let another's touch,
Come between the two of us.
Cause no one else will ever take your place.

No one else comes close to you.
No one makes me feel the way you do.
You're so special girl to me,
And you'll always be,
Eternally.
Everytime I hold you near,
You always say the words I love to hear,
Girl with just a touch,
You can do so much.

No one else comes close.

And when I wake up,
To the touch of your head on my shoulder,
You're my dream come true.
Oh girl you know I'll always treasure,
Every kiss every day.
I love you girl in every way.
And I always will cause in my eyes.

No one else comes close.

Damn i love you.

No One Else Comes Close

Wherever you may be,
My heart is always with you.

The months fly by,
But some things just never change.

Been a painful road to a door that's closed,
Been a gamble that I knew I couldn't win.
Been a lonely conversation to this photograph of you,
In the mirror that's a sign I must give in.

Tell me what I gotta do.
I can't get over her,
It's wearing me out,
And it's pissing her off.

She hates me.

My life is in pieces.

There's really nothing I can do.
I'm so trapped.
Just looking for a way to escape.

Why is it a crime to love you so much?
Please forgive me for everything I've done.

There's nothing I want more,
Than your love.

Happy 13th,
To the girl I will always love.

It's been 19 months,
And counting...

I'm bored,
So here's a list of things,
I hope will fall from the sky this December.

Christmas Wishlist
(Updated on 10th December)

Shoes
- "Iron" SB Dunks
- Premium "Curry" Dunks
- Orange/White Supreme Dunks

Fragrances
- Polo Blue
- Dunhill Desire
- Azzaro Chrome

Out of reach items
- Mont Blanc Meisterstuck Solitaire fountain pen
- Audemars Piguet Royal Oak watch
- IWC Mark XV watch (not Spitfire version)

- a pass for my Nanotechnology module
- Testosterone shots

- Nette

A few days ago,
My mum came into my room while I was asleep,
To put some money on my desk.
Nothing out of the ordinary.

Except that I had accidentally left,
A photo of me and Nette on the table.
She already knew that Nette was my girl,
But I didn't want her to also know,
That I still have to look at her picture,
Before I sleep every night.

Yeap.
That's what I do.
I miss you.

It has come to this again.

I just woke up from a nightmare.
Literally a nightmare.
I dreamt that She was right by my side.
I turned my head to say hi to a couple of friends;
Only to discover that She had slipped away,
While I was doing so.

I was damn damn upset in the dream.
And damn damn traumatized when I woke up.

I'll never stop loving Her.

I've been in depression for almost a year.
I no longer believe,
In seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Right now I'm in what I call the "stuck in limbo" stage.
Depressed enough to not care about everything,
But not enough to call it quits yet.

I've given up on everything around me,
Ever since I lost the one thing most important to me.
Her.

In the past I could always count on something,
To indicate my well-being,
In the aspect of mental health.
No matter how shitty I'm feeling,
Or if I'm planning to kill myself the next week,
I'll always make sure I pass my exams.
It's no longer the case now.
I don't really care if I pass or fail now.
Maybe it'll actually be good if I fail for the first time.
Then I might just get a rude shock,
And snap out of this.

I don't have any goals,
Or anything to look forward to in the future.
That makes life extremely sian.
Why do I have to put in so much effort,
To go through all this everyday?

Nowadays I'm just using material possessions,
To keep myself happy.
Albeit they only bring temporary joy.

I'm just another one of those,
Who have lost meaning in life.

I hope that at the end of the day,
This doesn't end up being nothing more,
Than just a lesson in futility.
Even though I've started on this quest,
Knowing that my efforts may well bring me no success.

It's strange how a little twist of fate can change me so much.
Just a little concession on your part,
And I've turned so impatient,
Repeating the biggest faux pas I've ever made.

I said I will expect nothing,
And I should be true to my word.
I never thought I'll see you again,
But I did and now I'm asking for more.
I'm sorry for even asking for another chance to see you.
Sorry.

Just a few more years.
And then maybe it will start to be a real task,
Trying to picture your face in my mind.

I expect too much from you.
I must go back to the time,
When I would be okay even if I never set eyes on you again.
Let me continue to love you from a distance.

You've always been a million miles away from me.
I was just wrong,
To believe that the distance had been halved,
When you showed up at my door.

No more pressure.
No more pressure from me.
No more pressure from me on you,
Nette.

Nette,
I don't know what to say at all.
Except that I'm utterly shameless.
What you said on the phone,
Is still ringing in my ears.

Everytime you call,
I just mess up.
I can't believe I raised my voice at you.
Is this how I treat the girl I love?
I am just so disgusted with myself.

Utterly shameless because,
I haven't proven myself to you at all,
And yet here I am,
Begging for a second chance everyday.

I never listen to a word you say,
All I do best is to rant and rave about my own problems.
From now on,
I will write down my mistakes,
And I swear that I will remember them.
And learn.

If I love you,
I must learn to show it.
Not try to,
But I have to do it.
That's the least I can do for now.

Remember what was the first promise I made to you?
I held you in my arms,
After asking you to be my girl.
And I told you,
"I'm gonna treat you so well,
Every other girl on the street is gonna be jealous of you."

I failed.
But my heart has been true to you all along.

Just now,
When I was doing my laundry,
I looked up into the sky,
And saw a lone star twinkling from the heavens above.
I smiled.
You are the star,
And I am nothing but a mere mortal,
Who can only admire your beauty,
While you shine in your glory in the velvet sky.

I love you.
Get well soon.

Nette,
I spent the whole night thinking.
And I'm feeling more ashamed than ever,
Of the way I used to treat you.

I realized I'll never run out of things to say to you.
Not on the phone,
Not on the blog,
And definitely not face to face.
I have so much to share with you.

But of course I know,
What I say now no longer has any real impact on you.
There's a part of me that's dying to tell you,
Please don't go to him.
Nette please don't go to him.
Everyday something inside me dies,
Knowing that you're his.

Then again,
I have no right.
I'm just like Adam (Gurmit Singh) in the 9pm show.
There's nothing I can do but watch the girl I love,
Go off with another guy.

Can't help but reminisce about the time,
Where I was yours,
And you were mine.
You know what,
My heart still belongs to you.

I always had a problem separating love and lust.
To me,
There can be no love without lust.
Maybe I thought it would be flattering,
To show how much I was attracted to you all the time.
Maybe I was afraid,
Of the kind of relationship where the lust fades after awhile,
And develops into the kind of rational love,
Where both parties aren't that crazy and passionate anymore.
Yes I was really afraid of that.
I wanted mad,
Crazy love.
Perhaps I'd forgotten that kind of love doesn't last.

But after all these time,
I'm still as passionate about you as ever.
I know exactly what I have to do now,
But it's just too late.
Yes I can be crazy about you,
But I still need to show how much I love and treasure you,
Not just how you drive me wild.
I called you my princess,
But I never treated you like one.

They always say,
If you give a jerk another chance,
He'll never learn from his mistakes.
But what if he is really sorry?
What if he's truly repentant?
What if from the bottom of your heart,
You feel that there's a chance,
That I can now love you the way you should be loved?

You make me want to be a better man everyday.

And I'm still praying for a miracle.

Nette,
I'm glad you like the photo below.
I never thought it would mean anything to you,
But I love it too.
And it makes me look a lot more artistic than I actually am.

Call me a wimp if you will,
But I'm writing this just after talking to you.
Yes I cried because I heard you puking,
And I couldn't do a damn thing about it.
It hurt a lot to hear you suffer.
Somehow I believe,
All the unhappiness in your life has something to do with me.
And all the shit I did to you in the past.

All the horrible things I've done and said to you.
They still haunt me today.
Every night,
When I lie awake on my bed,
I can't help but think...
Why is he more deserving of a 2nd chance than me?
Then I remember all the times I made you cry.
Yes I deserve nothing.
You are already doing me a favour,
By talking to me.

Every time I hear your voice,
I'm just glad to be alive.

It's kinda sad,
That I only learnt my lesson after you left.
You will never believe me.
And I'll never get a chance to prove it,
But I've finally seen the light.
Understood what exactly I did wrong.
Do you think I spent all these months sleeping?
No,
I spent every single moment reflecting.
I had been a big-time jerk.

Yes you are right.
I failed to respect you.
And as I've said,
You'll never believe me.
But I've learnt to respect you.
And I really do.

I will continue to wait for a miracle.
I will be the man you always wished I could be.
I swear absolute devotion to you and only you.

How I wish I have the chance to look into your eyes again,
And tell you how beautiful you are.
Just like how I always did.
Whenever I close my eyes,
I'd imagine the both of us walking down the aisle.
But I know it's just a dream.

If only you will just look back for a second.
If only.

Has anyone told you lately how beautiful you are?
I love you.

Nette's ring

Hey baby,
How has your day been?
I wasn't planning to write to you today,
But I just got a sudden urge after taking this picture.

I used to think that I'm a morally upright person,
But after knowing you,
I realized that is not always the case.
Many of the things I said I'll never do,
Is only applicable in our context.
Because I love only you.

I said I'll never cheat.
But I did.
Not on you,
But with you.
You know I can never resist your charms.
Despite attempts to adhere to my strict moral guidelines,
Everything goes out of the window when it comes to you.

I abhor violence,
But I'll probably kill anyone who bullies you.
I never thought I'll be so protective over anyone.
Remember that day when I told you,
If you ever committed murder,
I'll take the rap for you?

Please believe,
That I put my life before yours.

My love for you is the kind that I believe will last forever.
When I first got to know you,
I was in mad lust.
After a couple of months being with you,
I soon grew to love you,
But the mad lust never faded away.
In fact 20 months after the first time I saw you,
I'm still lusting for you.

I'm in love and in lust with you and only you.
When I was with you,
I never even bothered to look at other girls or guys.
I was a one-woman guy.
But only for you.

You are the object of my obsession.

It's time to go off now.
Take care of yourself these days,
It's been rather chilly.

Uh-uh.
One of those days where I'll rather write here instead.
I dunno why there's this distinction between the 2 blogs;
I mean,
Both of them are my babies.
But I tend to come here when I'm feeling down.
Or missing Her.

Feeling a mix of frustration plus depression.
Frustrated because I want to escape my depression,
Yet I don't have the balls to kill myself.
Having failed once,
I realized that it isn't such an easy thing afterall.
Isn't it sad?
That I want to die,
But I don't have the guts to actually do it.

You know,
There are all those love songs that go,
"I can't live without you... blah blah".
Ain't exactly true,
Because I'm alive and blogging right now.
But hey.
Just take a look at me.
I'm not alive.
I'm just existing in this world.
I eat,
Sleep and breathe,
Yet I am nothing but an empty shell.
I have no hopes.
No dreams.
No aspirations.
Nothing to live for.
I am suffering from acute anhedonia.

There is no cure for this.
I will just continue to exist I guess.
She is Never coming back into my life.
Even if she does,
It's useless,
Because she has lost the love.

However,
I've said this once and I'll say it again.
Especially just for You.
The queen of my heart:

The door is always open for you.
Even if it's closed,
It won't be locked.
Just knock and I'll be right there,
To open the door for you.
Even in the event that it may be locked,
Don't fret,
Because I gave you the key to open it long ago.

Nette,
I will always love you.

I may say a lot of things I don't mean out of anger,
But there are certain lines,
You will never hear me say to you:

"I've never loved you.
I don't love you anymore.
You mean nothing to me."

Even a fool can see my undying devotion to you.
You're the only girl I've ever loved in my life,
The only girl I ever had.
There were a lot of things I never thought I'll do,
But you came along and changed everything.

Nette,
Even if you forget my name,
I will continue to love you until my very last breath.

Along she came, with her picture,
Put it in a frame, so I won't miss her.
Got on a plane, from London; Heathrow,
It seems such a shame, yea...

I feel her. Slipping through my fingers,
Now she's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on,
And sharks swim through my veins, now that she's gone,
I'm sleeping with the light on.

Heard she's engaged, but to her best friend,
No one's to blame, here's where it all ends,
And I feel the pain, 'cause I'm without her,
I feel the pain.

I see the sight, with a different light,
Words cannot describe the way I'm feeling,
'Cause I've been searching in my head,
For the words I thought she'd said,
For too long.

Sleeping With The Lights On by Busted

Hmmm yeah.
I'm in love with this song right now.
Even though it's kinda cheesy.

Go search your conscience and think hard,
Who has done more to betray the trust in our relationship?
I stand by what I say.
You ruined the relationship.

Of course,
You don't give a damn.

I'm mourning the death of an old love.
It truly feels like the girl I love has died,
Because she doesn't exist anymore.

I lost my cool,
Called her a bitch.
I'm such a letdown.
Not to her,
Because she doesn't give a damn.

Questions I need answers to

What will I prove by waiting 10 years?
Who will I be proving 'it' to?
What will I get?

What will people say?
Will they look upon me as a fool for love?
Or just simply a fool?

If you were really as madly in love as you claimed,
How did you manage to lose the love in such a short time?

Now that things didn't work out with him,
Why can't you give me another chance?
Now that you know it ain't easy to find someone to love,
Why give up on us?
Weren't you the one who said we were made for each other?

Am I stupid?

Time

I remember the day you said goodbye.
Something was calling you,
I could read it in your eyes.
You told me that someday we'd meet again.
But deep inside I always knew,
This was the end.

I remember those words you claimed,
As I stood in the pouring rain,
When I showed my heart would never be the same.

You told me time will always heal the pain,
Bring the sun and dry the rain.
We need time to solve and think our problems through.
You told me time is always on my side,
To turn the season,
Change the tide.
Things work out with time if you want them to.
Why can't time make me stop,
Loving you?

It wasn't very easy when you left.
Every mention of your name,
Would get me so upset.
I trapped my emotions deep inside.
I acted like I didn't care,
With hopes this would subside.

I try to get you off my mind,
I live my life just wasting time,
Hoping that someday I can say the same...

Time will always heal the pain.
Bring the sun and dry the rain,
Things work out with time if you want them to.
Why can't time make me stop,
Loving you...

I came online to write this,
Cos I had been thinking about you all day.
Doesn't matter if you get to read this or not,
If there's a chance,
I'll keep trying.

I haven't seen you since the 1st of June.
By now,
You should've realized that I don't subscribe to the,
"Out of sight, out of mind" theory.
My feelings have not changed a single bit.
I'm still in love with you.

If only you knew how much I love you,
Maybe then you would have given me another chance.
Remember the dreams that we shared?
Of a life together.
I'm still wishing and hoping.
Please come back to the one person,
Who loves you more than anything else in the world.

What are the odds of you still reading my blog?
Especially this one hidden in the corner?
Almost nil my love.
Almost nil.

I would gladly sell my soul to the Devil,
In exchange for a second chance to love you.

Said you were always gonna be mine,
And you bounced.
You chose him.
Does he love you like I do?
Will he love you like I do?
Maybe he'll do all those sweet angelic things,
That I never did for you.

My love is the kind that Satan will sing about.
I will suffocate you with my love.
One second of pleasure,
Followed by 10 of excruciating pain.
It hurt you to love me.
And you wanted no more of it.

You turned your back on someone,
Who could trust you with his life.
Someone who will lay down his life for you,
And you know I'm not lying.
Not bullshitting.
Not just waxing lyrical about the past.
When you closed your eyes at night,
You knew you were safe in my arms.
I will never harm you,
And I will never let you be harmed.
I never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry for all the things I did,
All the words I said.
But it's just too late.
I failed to protect my love.
In the space of 2 months,
You gave your heart away to someone else.

I find it hard to write those sweet things anymore.
Because everyday it feels like hell.
You slammed the door in my face,
Acted as though I have no feelings.

Yes you committed homicide,
The day you made me fall in love with you.

It's alright even if you don't love me,
Because I'm still in love with you.

If you feel that I can't be the one,
Who can bring you happiness,
I'll understand.

But you'll still be the girl,
I hope to walk down the aisle with one day.

Don't tell me that you love me,
When you've fallen for someone else.

I was wondering,
If I should tell her to read Last days.
Then I thought,
It'll be nicer if she came across it herself.
And so I left it at that.

Now I'm sure she hasn't been checking here.
Because of the spark plug she left.
But how could she miss the words on the scrolling text?
Every word was meant for her.
And she knows the significance.

I'll leave it to fate.
Maybe once in a while,
She'll think of me and maybe chance upon this blog again.

Saw a box of mooncakes on the table today.
Reminded me of her instantly.
Of how we spent the last Mid-autumn festival together.

She bought me a lantern.
A japanese cartoon dog.
I don't know how to spell the name.
And she has a Buttercup for herself.

It was supposed to be a romantic stroll along the beach,
Carrying our lanterns.
She wanted to take a cab,
So we could go to the more deserted areas for some privacy.
But cheapo me insisted we walk,
And hell the whole East Coast was so damn crowded.

She was sooo pissed off with me haha.

And the wind was so strong,
We couldn't manage to light the lanterns at all.
She was going to kill me at any moment I think.
Luckily I thought of a way to light the candles inside the lanterns,
And in the end finally succeeded.

She had to leave early.
But we spent a few moments sitting by the beach,
With our pretty lil lanterns,
And her head lying on my shoulder.

How nice it would be if we can do this every year.

I'm not saving a little part of my heart for you.
There will be no soft spots either.
My entire heart belongs to you,
And only you.

I look at your pictures in the middle of the night,
When everyone else is asleep.
So I can let my guard down and cry.
I kiss the face I see on my monitor,
Knowing that I'll never touch your face again.

I sing to you when I'm all alone.
Sing to memories of us,
When we were so much in love.
I reach the high notes I never thought I could,
When I have only you in my heart.

I can still remember the way you smell.
I smile to myself when I think about you.
No one else needs to know what is inside my mind.

I check your blog everyday.
But it's dead.
Ironically,
The last entry came just before I got your blog working again.
I can't bear to read the things you wrote to me.
It hurts too much.

I'm just living in my own fantasy world of you and me.
Nobody loves you the way that I do.
I may be a dick but I love you and you can't deny that.

No Regrets

Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not estranged
I didn't lose my mind it was
Mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slipped away...

No regrets
They don't work
No regrets now
They only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

I know from the outside
We looked good for each other
Felt things were going wrong
When you didn't like my mother
I don't want to hate but that's
All you've left me with
A bitter aftertaste and fantasy of
How we all could live

No regrets
They don't work
No regrets
They only hurt
(We've been told you stay up late)
I know they're still talking
(You're far too short to carry weight)
The demons in your head
(Return the videos they're late)
If I could just stop hating you
I'd feel sorry for us instead

Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast

Everything I wanted to be
Everytime I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Everytime you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down think of you for a while
Then it passes me by and think of
Someone else instead
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead.

Swing swing

Days swiftly come and go,
I'm dreaming of her.
She's seeing other guys,
Emotions they stir.
The sun is gone,
The nights are long,
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
On the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
Being alone?
I'll find someone new...

Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of,
My heart is crushed by a former love.
Can you help me find a way,
To carry on again?

Wish cast into the sky,
I'm moving on.
Sweet beginnings do arise,
She knows I was wrong.
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold,
And so do I to a new love.

Bury me...
(You thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(Away, away, away...)

Brooding at home in the dark.
Listening to 3 Doors Down,
And other forms of angry,
Depressing music.
Ate nothing but a can of Campbell's the whole day.

I am mildly depressed.

This entry is here because,
I can be such a wuss sometimes.

I've just spent hours,
Pouring over sites that contain info regarding ftms.
And I'm more sure than ever of what I want.
Nobody's gonna help me achieve my goal.
I have to help myself.

And there are some fears that I have.
Some are really lame but no harm worrying right?

Obvious changes includes deepening of your voice.
Nice,
Except I'm afraid to lose my singing voice.
How lame is that!
And I don't want to go bald on testosterone!
Since my dad and my 2 brothers are all losing their hair,
I'm very sure I have a high chance,
Of inheriting male pattern baldness.
Yikes.

Actually I'll rather be a bald guy,
Than a butch with a full head of hair.

More rubbish another day.

Girls can be so cruel sometimes.
What do I have to do to make you care?

I am starting to develop a phobia of calling you.
I call because I miss you.
Because I want to hear your voice.
Because I hope that we can make things right.

But whenever I call,
I just end up making the situation worse.
We quarrel.
We say hurtful things.
You'll tell me that you have given up on me.
You said that your love is getting lesser by the day.
You said that you're never coming back to me.

Some girls can just be so cruel.

Even if we can't get back together,
I will never stop loving you.
I'm not going to try to stop,
Because I want to love you.

It hurts to know that I can't be the one for you.
I've always given 100% of me into the relationship.
If I have the chance to do it all over again,
I promise I'll give 101%.
No.
Make that 200%

I'll admit,
I'm not good at taking care of someone else.
You've given me so many chances in the past,
But I still haven't learn anything.
It's just something,
That I'll have to spend the rest of my life learning.

How I long to hear your voice in my ears again.
You in my arms.
Your lips on mine.

You are my everything.

A fool and his love are soon parted.

I read everything that you wrote to me.
Every word,
Every sentence.
How I miss the good ol' days that we used to share.

Suddenly I realize,
That they will simply just remain the good ol' days.
In our memories.

Sven's cable & tv weekly highlights

Monday
Fear Factor, 8pm (AXN)

Tuesday
MTV Jams, 10pm (MTV)
The Guess Show, 11.45pm (Channel U)
Undeclared, 1.30am (Channel 5)

Wednesday
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 12am (Channel 5)

Thursday
Chemistry, 8.30pm (Channel 5)
The Bachelorette, 10pm (Channel 5)

Friday
The Amazing Race, 8pm (AXN)
- I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!

Haha Nette thinks I'm like Bruce too.
Oh well I don't really mind.

The primary function of Last Days,
Was to serve as a collection of my last thoughts,
Before I die.
In other words,
An extended online version of a suicide note.

Then it became a place where I wrote to Nette everyday,
Because we lost contact in December.
So much to say and nowhere to be heard,
I wrote to Nette almost everyday.

Now it's home to all my mindless ramblings.
Hahahaha.
The title isn't appropriate anymore,
But it adds to the insanity.

I'm still counting down to my last day!
Hopefully there are still many more days to count.

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lol.
How come like that?

Six months ago I was listening to Disease everyday.
Hell.
Six months later I am still listening to the same song.
History is repeating itself.

Save me someone!

I am a sad pathetic fool.
I looked at myself in the mirror.

How fucked up am I.

This is pathetic.
I don't want to be what I became in December.
I must be strong.
Strong enough to win your heart,
Or strong enough to move on?

The message of the day is:

Be kind to animals!

I've really screwed up this time.
I'm too ashamed to ask you for forgiveness.

I hate myself.

They were right,
I am a wife-beater.

Just when I thought we'll never quarrel again,
Both of us had to lose our cool yesterday.
I'm really sorry,
I've been trying very hard to control my temper,
But I just lost it yesterday.

My parents are quarrelling everyday.
My bro's marriage is on the rocks.

Hell.

I know you're tired too.
Is it because our time is up?

Oh no it can't be.
I'll never stop loving you.
Our love will never end.

Never.

But what about our relationship?
What's happening?
What's going on...

I feel tired and drained.
Where is this all heading?

How can you say,
That I've not changed a single bit since the day we met?
Why do I bother to put in any effort at all,
Since it doesn't make a difference to you?

I know what I've done,
Is not good enough.
But that doesn't mean,
I haven't tried.

This is just so tiring.

Notice that the use of foul language,
Is few and far between on both blogs.
Haha.
I'm just trying to do a Linkin Park.

I don't need the word fuck to get my point across.
Wahahaha.

I'm starving!
Gonna go downstairs,
To see if my mum will boil some eggs for me.

This blog is mad!

Heheh.
Now Last Days is sharing,
The hit counter with I Feel Queasy.
I tried to find a new skin too,
Preferably a simple one that is mostly black.
But I couldn't find one to my liking.
Anyway,
I was too lazy to edit the template again.
Another day perhaps.

It's the holidays,
And I'm bored.
But you know what's ironic?
I love being bored.

I love the feeling of how,
I don't have to give a damn about the time.
Minutes fly by,
But I hardly look at the clock.
(Only to check for tv program listings)

Time loses its meaning during the holidays.
I don't have to wake up at a certain time,
I sleep when I'm tired,
And I wake up when I'm refreshed.
I don't have to eat at certain times,
So that I can make it in time to school.
Weekdays or weekends,
Don't make a difference to me.
I'm free everyday.
I believe,
That this is true freedom.

But my heart is not free.
Been plagued by nightmares.
I really don't understand why,
But whenever I'm having holidays,
I'll dream about having to wake up for exams.
Go figure.

A sudden fear struck me just now.
I'm so afraid that our love,
Will have to stand the test of a long distance relationship.
I'm so scared of losing you...

Some lowlife scum,
Is using underhand methods to get at me.
If you have a bone to pick with me,
Come look for me,
And leave my baby alone.

Nette,
I didn't mean to be cold to you.
I never meant to take it out on you.
I'm sorry.

You are the only person in this world,
Who can bring me comfort just by your voice.
You alone are my everything.
My dream.
My dreams of a better life together with you.
Living together in our own lil house.
Please take me away from this dreary place.

If asked to describe how they feel towards their parents,
Most people would use the "R" word.
Respect.
Oh yes.
How I feel towards them starts with "R-E" too.
However it spells "r-e-s-e-n-t-m-e-n-t".

I don't know how much longer I have to live with them.
Why do you think I'm always trying to save up,
Because I know money is the key,
To getting away from them.
We don't communicate.
We can't communicate.
We have nothing in common.
In a way,
We despise each other.

You guys can blast me for all you want,
For writing something like that.
It's okay.
You guys don't share my past anyway.
Yeah,
You guys who are friends with your parents.
Anyway I'm not like that.
The word parents mean nothing to me.
It can mean strangers for all I care.

I feel nothing towards them but obligations.
Obligations because they brought me up.
That's all.
What they've done for me,
Can only be measured in monetary terms.
I can boast about how,
I never had a curfew in my life,
How they've basically left me to my own devices,
All the while I was growing up.
They don't know when I was having my PSLE,
My O's,
Or my A's.
They don't know which classes I was in,
Or which course I'm taking now.
It's okay,
I like the freedom,
And I'm not angry because I grew up by myself.
All I can say is that,
I never,
And I will never,
Feel anything more than obligations towards them.

This is no ordinary teenage angst,
The kind of "Oh I hate them cos they're so strict" thing.
It's way past that.
All I know is that,
I hate living with them,
And I want to get away asap.

Someone once asked me,
How could I bear to commit suicide,
And let my parents down.
The answer is simple,
Because they don't mean that much to me.

Can't wait to move out.
Hate living in this house.
Hate seeing the way he throws away everything.
Things that belong to my childhood.
The Tom Sawyer book I read when I was a kid.
Can't stand him.
Can't stand the way he loves throwing things.
All the books,
They are memories to me.
He'll rather sell them to the karung guni for 10 cents per kg.
Just wait till I throw his fucked up,
Space-wasting,
Ugly,
Mosquito-trapping
Pseudo-antique displays away.
Yah.
He only throws away things that don't belong to him.
Fucked up.

I want my own living space.
A place where I can call my own.

Edited the template so that it's similar to I Feel Queasy.
But don't have any interesting pictures to put up yet.

Last Days feels like a house in the woods,
A place to get away for the weekend.
Except it's not the weekend yet,
And I have a ton of work to do.
No getaway yet.
Well,
At least here will offer me a respite,
From all the rubbish on the other blog.

D'oh.
I have enough spark plugs to last,
Through my bike's entire lifespan.

Pretty horrible day today.
Rained cats and dogs on the way to school.
A taxi reversed on the expressway.
Hello?
Rained cats and dogs when I wanted to go home.
Spent 30 minutes zapping my notes.
I actually went through a few articles in the library,
While waiting for the rain to stop.
To be honest,
The library is pretty conducive for studying.
And I do get more done there.
Maybe next time,
I'll stay in the library after school.
The lighting is nice,
The temperature perfect.
And there's no distraction.

One more day left.
Will it make a difference?
I don't know.
Maybe I've already destroyed everything.

I love
The way
Your scent lingers in the static air
The way
Your hair cascades over your skin so fair
The way
Your smile never fails to melt my heart
The way
I'm missing you when we are apart

I never meant to hurt you so bad.

Wasn't trying to scare anyone really.
Just one of those moods.
Or maybe I am like this everyday.
So since it's a daily phenomenon,
I should be alright I guess.

It's amazing how I have so much to write when I'm unhappy.
Words just flow smoothly when depression sinks in.
Which reminds me,
Of my Edgar Allan Poe book,
That I've never managed to finish.
Time to dig it out again.

Have you ever thought about your own funeral?
I used to fantasize about how it would be like for mine.
Actually I still do.
Just imagine,
It's probably the last party ever thrown in your name,
You might as well have a part to play in its planning.
Too bad that you don't get to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
(Or maybe you do?)
Used to hate funerals when I was a kid.
Those chinese style wakes always scared me to bits.
Mine must never be like that.

I want to lie in my white coffin with velvet lining,
Dressed in a white tuxedo with a white tophat and cane.
Sounds stupid right?
Especially so,
When I said I want to get married in a white tux too.

Ever thought about what the people who knew you will do?
Will they cry?
Will they be happily gambling?
Will they celebrate?
Will they ever attend your funeral?

I've never wanted to jam up my blog with those quiz results,
But this seems rather appropriate.


Your Soul Is Black.


What Color Is Your Soul?
brought to you by Quizilla

In school now.
In the library to be precise.
Amazing how I managed to drag myself to school.
Dreary dreary day.

Physics tutorial just ended a while ago.
Made me feel even worse.
As usual,
I did not have the slighest clue what was going on.
No matter how I tried looking through the notes,
And desperately trying to understand them,
They still seem like greek to me.

I started Last Days so that I can keep,
This depressed state of me,
A separate entity,
From the image I've to upkeep everyday.

Somehow it's getting difficult separating the two.
For every single minute now,
I am stuck in the state of depression.
Help.
Because I'm drowning.

I stuck the chin guard back to the helmet with superglue.
For now,
It appears to be fine.
I know it is nothing but a temporary solution.
The bond looks weak.
Other parts on the helmet seem to be on the verge,
Of falling off too.
I'm wearing my Air Jordans today.
With every step,
I can see the sole getting closer to breaking off.

The color scheme of this blog,
Seems a little too cheery for my mood.
But I guess it's alright.
Everything else is dark around me anyway.

Depression
A psychiatric disorder characterized by:
An inability to concentrate,
Insomnia,
Loss of appetite,
Anhedonia,
Feelings of extreme sadness,
Guilt,
Helplessness and hopelessness,
And thoughts of death.

Hey,
It's been awhile.
Although I've always been hoping,
That I'll never have to write here again;
I know deep inside that I will always return.

I like Last Days.
It's like having a lil chat with myself.
With each passing day,
It's getting more apparent that I'm doomed.
Doomed to have depression as a life-long partner.

It struck me hard today.
Or rather,
It had been slowly creeping up on me undetected.
The blow was hard,
But not fatal.
Or else I wouldn't have the chance to blog.

Call me childish,
Call me stupid.
Call me anything you want to.
But don't compare me with others.
I know,
My life ain't hard enough for me to even complain,
Let alone think about giving it up.
But it's just me.
It's so tiring facing things that cause me so much grief.
I worry too much.
And all this incessant worrying is driving me nuts.
Need a place to go to where I'll never have to worry.
Bring me there please.
Maybe it's time to hunt for happiness.
Happiness that this life can never offer.

Tell me honestly,
When am I ever truly happy?
There's this feeling of dread,
That I wake up to every morning.
I've been able to suppress my unhappiness this year.
Or rather,
I thought that I've left the serious bout of depression,
That nearly robbed me of my life behind.

Stupid trivial matters can trigger things off like that.
Fine.
So my bike is having problems.
So my shoes are all dying mysteriously.
I can deal with it, right?
Hell.
I don't know whatever made me take the physics module,
Because it's definitely not working out.
Not at all.
My Arai helmet was bought barely a year ago for $500.
Hardly a small sum to me.
Today the chin guard came off.
I wanted to yell.
Shout and let it out.
But all I could muster was a silent scream.
And I'm the only one who can hear it.
I am seriously driving myself crazy.

I really don't know how much longer I can hold on.
Or if I really want to hold on.
I'm counting down.
Counting down to Sven's Last Days.

It's amazing,
To think of it.
How depression can drive someone to suicide.
I think it's really time,
That people take depression more seriously.
Sometimes,
I'm glad to be alive.
Sometimes I'm not.

I still think about that day.
It's hard to get over.
Still deeply etched in my memory.

Now I know how vulnerable I can be.

(Surprise! This blog is alive again!)

Nette,
I want you in my life.
I suppose the only way to make you love me,
Is to love me as a friend.
I want to be your friend forever.
Your best friend.