Nette,
I don't know what to say at all.
Except that I'm utterly shameless.
What you said on the phone,
Is still ringing in my ears.

Everytime you call,
I just mess up.
I can't believe I raised my voice at you.
Is this how I treat the girl I love?
I am just so disgusted with myself.

Utterly shameless because,
I haven't proven myself to you at all,
And yet here I am,
Begging for a second chance everyday.

I never listen to a word you say,
All I do best is to rant and rave about my own problems.
From now on,
I will write down my mistakes,
And I swear that I will remember them.
And learn.

If I love you,
I must learn to show it.
Not try to,
But I have to do it.
That's the least I can do for now.

Remember what was the first promise I made to you?
I held you in my arms,
After asking you to be my girl.
And I told you,
"I'm gonna treat you so well,
Every other girl on the street is gonna be jealous of you."

I failed.
But my heart has been true to you all along.

Just now,
When I was doing my laundry,
I looked up into the sky,
And saw a lone star twinkling from the heavens above.
I smiled.
You are the star,
And I am nothing but a mere mortal,
Who can only admire your beauty,
While you shine in your glory in the velvet sky.

I love you.
Get well soon.

Nette,
I spent the whole night thinking.
And I'm feeling more ashamed than ever,
Of the way I used to treat you.

I realized I'll never run out of things to say to you.
Not on the phone,
Not on the blog,
And definitely not face to face.
I have so much to share with you.

But of course I know,
What I say now no longer has any real impact on you.
There's a part of me that's dying to tell you,
Please don't go to him.
Nette please don't go to him.
Everyday something inside me dies,
Knowing that you're his.

Then again,
I have no right.
I'm just like Adam (Gurmit Singh) in the 9pm show.
There's nothing I can do but watch the girl I love,
Go off with another guy.

Can't help but reminisce about the time,
Where I was yours,
And you were mine.
You know what,
My heart still belongs to you.

I always had a problem separating love and lust.
To me,
There can be no love without lust.
Maybe I thought it would be flattering,
To show how much I was attracted to you all the time.
Maybe I was afraid,
Of the kind of relationship where the lust fades after awhile,
And develops into the kind of rational love,
Where both parties aren't that crazy and passionate anymore.
Yes I was really afraid of that.
I wanted mad,
Crazy love.
Perhaps I'd forgotten that kind of love doesn't last.

But after all these time,
I'm still as passionate about you as ever.
I know exactly what I have to do now,
But it's just too late.
Yes I can be crazy about you,
But I still need to show how much I love and treasure you,
Not just how you drive me wild.
I called you my princess,
But I never treated you like one.

They always say,
If you give a jerk another chance,
He'll never learn from his mistakes.
But what if he is really sorry?
What if he's truly repentant?
What if from the bottom of your heart,
You feel that there's a chance,
That I can now love you the way you should be loved?

You make me want to be a better man everyday.

And I'm still praying for a miracle.

Nette,
I'm glad you like the photo below.
I never thought it would mean anything to you,
But I love it too.
And it makes me look a lot more artistic than I actually am.

Call me a wimp if you will,
But I'm writing this just after talking to you.
Yes I cried because I heard you puking,
And I couldn't do a damn thing about it.
It hurt a lot to hear you suffer.
Somehow I believe,
All the unhappiness in your life has something to do with me.
And all the shit I did to you in the past.

All the horrible things I've done and said to you.
They still haunt me today.
Every night,
When I lie awake on my bed,
I can't help but think...
Why is he more deserving of a 2nd chance than me?
Then I remember all the times I made you cry.
Yes I deserve nothing.
You are already doing me a favour,
By talking to me.

Every time I hear your voice,
I'm just glad to be alive.

It's kinda sad,
That I only learnt my lesson after you left.
You will never believe me.
And I'll never get a chance to prove it,
But I've finally seen the light.
Understood what exactly I did wrong.
Do you think I spent all these months sleeping?
No,
I spent every single moment reflecting.
I had been a big-time jerk.

Yes you are right.
I failed to respect you.
And as I've said,
You'll never believe me.
But I've learnt to respect you.
And I really do.

I will continue to wait for a miracle.
I will be the man you always wished I could be.
I swear absolute devotion to you and only you.

How I wish I have the chance to look into your eyes again,
And tell you how beautiful you are.
Just like how I always did.
Whenever I close my eyes,
I'd imagine the both of us walking down the aisle.
But I know it's just a dream.

If only you will just look back for a second.
If only.

Has anyone told you lately how beautiful you are?
I love you.

Nette's ring

Hey baby,
How has your day been?
I wasn't planning to write to you today,
But I just got a sudden urge after taking this picture.

I used to think that I'm a morally upright person,
But after knowing you,
I realized that is not always the case.
Many of the things I said I'll never do,
Is only applicable in our context.
Because I love only you.

I said I'll never cheat.
But I did.
Not on you,
But with you.
You know I can never resist your charms.
Despite attempts to adhere to my strict moral guidelines,
Everything goes out of the window when it comes to you.

I abhor violence,
But I'll probably kill anyone who bullies you.
I never thought I'll be so protective over anyone.
Remember that day when I told you,
If you ever committed murder,
I'll take the rap for you?

Please believe,
That I put my life before yours.

My love for you is the kind that I believe will last forever.
When I first got to know you,
I was in mad lust.
After a couple of months being with you,
I soon grew to love you,
But the mad lust never faded away.
In fact 20 months after the first time I saw you,
I'm still lusting for you.

I'm in love and in lust with you and only you.
When I was with you,
I never even bothered to look at other girls or guys.
I was a one-woman guy.
But only for you.

You are the object of my obsession.

It's time to go off now.
Take care of yourself these days,
It's been rather chilly.

Uh-uh.
One of those days where I'll rather write here instead.
I dunno why there's this distinction between the 2 blogs;
I mean,
Both of them are my babies.
But I tend to come here when I'm feeling down.
Or missing Her.

Feeling a mix of frustration plus depression.
Frustrated because I want to escape my depression,
Yet I don't have the balls to kill myself.
Having failed once,
I realized that it isn't such an easy thing afterall.
Isn't it sad?
That I want to die,
But I don't have the guts to actually do it.

You know,
There are all those love songs that go,
"I can't live without you... blah blah".
Ain't exactly true,
Because I'm alive and blogging right now.
But hey.
Just take a look at me.
I'm not alive.
I'm just existing in this world.
I eat,
Sleep and breathe,
Yet I am nothing but an empty shell.
I have no hopes.
No dreams.
No aspirations.
Nothing to live for.
I am suffering from acute anhedonia.

There is no cure for this.
I will just continue to exist I guess.
She is Never coming back into my life.
Even if she does,
It's useless,
Because she has lost the love.

However,
I've said this once and I'll say it again.
Especially just for You.
The queen of my heart:

The door is always open for you.
Even if it's closed,
It won't be locked.
Just knock and I'll be right there,
To open the door for you.
Even in the event that it may be locked,
Don't fret,
Because I gave you the key to open it long ago.

Nette,
I will always love you.

I may say a lot of things I don't mean out of anger,
But there are certain lines,
You will never hear me say to you:

"I've never loved you.
I don't love you anymore.
You mean nothing to me."

Even a fool can see my undying devotion to you.
You're the only girl I've ever loved in my life,
The only girl I ever had.
There were a lot of things I never thought I'll do,
But you came along and changed everything.

Nette,
Even if you forget my name,
I will continue to love you until my very last breath.

Along she came, with her picture,
Put it in a frame, so I won't miss her.
Got on a plane, from London; Heathrow,
It seems such a shame, yea...

I feel her. Slipping through my fingers,
Now she's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on,
And sharks swim through my veins, now that she's gone,
I'm sleeping with the light on.

Heard she's engaged, but to her best friend,
No one's to blame, here's where it all ends,
And I feel the pain, 'cause I'm without her,
I feel the pain.

I see the sight, with a different light,
Words cannot describe the way I'm feeling,
'Cause I've been searching in my head,
For the words I thought she'd said,
For too long.

Sleeping With The Lights On by Busted

Hmmm yeah.
I'm in love with this song right now.
Even though it's kinda cheesy.

Go search your conscience and think hard,
Who has done more to betray the trust in our relationship?
I stand by what I say.
You ruined the relationship.

Of course,
You don't give a damn.

I'm mourning the death of an old love.
It truly feels like the girl I love has died,
Because she doesn't exist anymore.

I lost my cool,
Called her a bitch.
I'm such a letdown.
Not to her,
Because she doesn't give a damn.